I'm mad at God. I'm mad at people with happy NICU stories. I'm mad at Publix for not having more stage 1 baby food. I'm mad that's there not more research to stop NEC. I'm mad that babies are still being born premature. I'm mad that babies are still dying!! I mad at the people that say so and so's "baby was born premature" at 2 weeks or 3 weeks or even 4 weeks early. FYI: that's not premature*! I'm mad at the people with perfect pregnacies. I'm mad at the people with 16 healthy kids. I'm mad that I feel like people think I should be "over it."
I know, I know I have a lot to be happy for. blah, blah, blah. I also have a lot to be mad about.
I had to leave the room the other day when the news started talking about the smallest preemie ever born is now going home healthy. I know I should be happy for them - whatever. I'm not happy for them, I'm mad that it's not Caleb coming home.
We were ready to have a special needs baby. We were ready to cram 2 babies into our tiny 2 bedroom townhome. We have 1 healthy GAINT baby that I love more than anything. We're supposed to have 2 babies 8 months (adjusted) apart. Caleb should be walking all over the place now - chasing after the cats (and Nolan) and getting into all types of trouble. He should be saying "mama" and "dada." Instead God has him in Heaven. Some times I'm ok with that, because really is there a better place then heaven? But, some times I'm so mad. I want him in my arms! Is there really any better place then a mom's arms?
mad, mad, mad, mad
I know this is just another lovely stage in the greiving process. I'll get over it - but I won't get over losing Caleb.
I feel myself pulling away from God. I'm religious**, I grew up in a religious home, and I work for a religious company, but still I'm pulling away. Why would God take my baby from me? He was about to come home. Now, he's gone. Why? God knows this pain, so why would he want someone else to feel this pain?
I didn't realize I was mad until chapel this morning (again, I work for a religious company and we have chapel every Wednesday morning). The speaker asked us to write down things we wanted to confess to God - any sins we hadn't confessed yet (even though there's all this confession talk I'm not Catholic and that's all I'm telling you.). My thought was "Why would I do that? God took my baby. I'm mad at Him. I don't want to confess stuff to Him. I don't even really want to talk to Him." Ding Ding Ding - I've entered the mad stage.
(please know, I am editing most of the things I want to say because my parents and many people from my work read this blog)
*24-28 weeks is micro or extreme preemie (Caleb was born at 26 weeks, 6 days. He was a micro-preemie)
29-34 weeks is just plain old preemie
35-37 weeks is preterm (not premature) (Nolan was born at 35 weeks, 4 days. I refuse to call him premature or preterm. I call him my fake pretermie. I have no problem saying he was a little early.)
37+ weeks is term (not premature)
This gets me so upset. Don't call your 3 week early baby premature or you will get my wrath (aka I will soap box all over you).
**I'm not getting into my religious beliefs here. For one thing, it could ID where I work and that's not good. For another thing, I just don't feel like have a big religious discussion right now.