Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I'm just mad

I'm mad at God. I'm mad at people with happy NICU stories. I'm mad at Publix for not having more stage 1 baby food. I'm mad that's there not more research to stop NEC. I'm mad that babies are still being born premature. I'm mad that babies are still dying!! I mad at the people that say so and so's "baby was born premature" at 2 weeks or 3 weeks or even 4 weeks early. FYI: that's not premature*! I'm mad at the people with perfect pregnacies. I'm mad at the people with 16 healthy kids. I'm mad that I feel like people think I should be "over it."

I know, I know I have a lot to be happy for. blah, blah, blah. I also have a lot to be mad about.

I had to leave the room the other day when the news started talking about the smallest preemie ever born is now going home healthy. I know I should be happy for them - whatever. I'm not happy for them, I'm mad that it's not Caleb coming home.

We were ready to have a special needs baby. We were ready to cram 2 babies into our tiny 2 bedroom townhome. We have 1 healthy GAINT baby that I love more than anything. We're supposed to have 2 babies 8 months (adjusted) apart. Caleb should be walking all over the place now - chasing after the cats (and Nolan) and getting into all types of trouble. He should be saying "mama" and "dada." Instead God has him in Heaven. Some times I'm ok with that, because really is there a better place then heaven? But, some times I'm so mad. I want him in my arms! Is there really any better place then a mom's arms?

mad, mad, mad, mad

I know this is just another lovely stage in the greiving process. I'll get over it - but I won't get over losing Caleb.

I feel myself pulling away from God. I'm religious**, I grew up in a religious home, and I work for a religious company, but still I'm pulling away. Why would God take my baby from me? He was about to come home. Now, he's gone. Why? God knows this pain, so why would he want someone else to feel this pain?

I didn't realize I was mad until chapel this morning (again, I work for a religious company and we have chapel every Wednesday morning). The speaker asked us to write down things we wanted to confess to God - any sins we hadn't confessed yet (even though there's all this confession talk I'm not Catholic and that's all I'm telling you.). My thought was "Why would I do that? God took my baby. I'm mad at Him. I don't want to confess stuff to Him. I don't even really want to talk to Him." Ding Ding Ding - I've entered the mad stage.

(please know, I am editing most of the things I want to say because my parents and many people from my work read this blog)

*24-28 weeks is micro or extreme preemie (Caleb was born at 26 weeks, 6 days. He was a micro-preemie)
29-34 weeks is just plain old preemie
35-37 weeks is preterm (not premature) (Nolan was born at 35 weeks, 4 days. I refuse to call him premature or preterm. I call him my fake pretermie. I have no problem saying he was a little early.)
37+ weeks is term (not premature)
This gets me so upset. Don't call your 3 week early baby premature or you will get my wrath (aka I will soap box all over you).

**I'm not getting into my religious beliefs here. For one thing, it could ID where I work and that's not good. For another thing, I just don't feel like have a big religious discussion right now.


Catherine said...

You're allowed to be mad. And if it'll help, I'll come for a visit and we can smash dishes (or something equally as breakable) together.


Elizabeth said...

yay! smashing dishes! it's a date!

Hedda said...

I can't believe how alike we are. Being mad is totally normal. I'm still mad and not close to God.

I want to come to the breaking dishes party.

The Princess said...

Well, I emailed you this, but want to join the online support to.

Being mad at God is okay and even allowed.

I don't know how it feels to loose a child that I have had the opportunity to hold, but I do know how it feels to loose a pregnancy that didn't even get the opportunity to develop.

Anne Williamson said...

Elizabeth, I haven't been able to write to you (even though I wanted to) because I could not write without crying and that did not seem to be a way to help you. I just want you to know that God has not left you, or forgotten you, or sought to punish you, or grown weary of you. He loves you with an Everlasting Love which cannot be measured by our standards.
One of the first things you would have wanted for both of your boys was that they be obedient to their parents. God shared a special child of his with you and Cary for a short time in our eyes, but for some reason we cannot understand, He felt that He needed Caleb with Him. Perhaps He felt that Caleb's soul was so close to Him that He wanted to spare him the trials and pains and separation from his Heavenly Father and He called him to come home. Whatever His reason, when God called His child, Caleb heard Him call and left everything to obey his Heavenly Father.
Just because Caleb obeyed his Father does not mean that he did not love his earthly parents and want to stay with you. It only means that he knew he had to obey the One who created him, shared him with you, loved him with an Everlasting Love, and called him Home. Caleb will always be your son. He is in Heaven waiting for you and he will know you and all of his siblings when they arrive where he is waiting. He wants you to be comforted by His Heavenly Father.
Please know this: God has not sent anything for you to face that He will not send strength for you to bear. He has endured every pain that you have known. His Strength is perfect in your weakness. To close yourself off from God's comfort will only make it harder for you to bear the burdens of your life. You said in a blog this week that you were prepared to care for a special needs child along with the rest of your family. God is able to care for you in your times of special needs, and He wants to do that.
None of us who love and grieve with you can ever know what you are suffering. Even those of us who have lost children cannot grasp exactly what you a suffering. Only God knows you that well. But, I can tell you from experience, that you can decide for yourself how you will deal with your life. You may never forget this experience, but you may trust that God allowed it for a reason. There will come a day when you will know that remembering Caleb's precious life will allow you to help someone who truly needs your understanding gained from the experience. God does not make mistakes. We do not always see His Plan, but we are to accept it because He is our Father.
Embrace Nolan, love him for who he is, remember Caleb, love him for who he is and kneel before the God who gave His Only Begotten Son to purchase your salvation and to allow you to know that Death is not the victor. Thank Him every day for His Strong Arm which holds you, his precious redeemed child.
My youngest daughter was born one month before you and you all were best friends for the first five years of your lives. You do not come from "a religious family", you come from a Christian family and community who have loved and nurtured and encouraged and taught you. This is exactly how you want to raise your family. There are many of us who continue to pray for you and hold all of your family before our Father's Throne as you endure this time of pain. May God continue to hold you in the palm of His Hand and shelter you in the Rock. Anne Williamson

sarah said...

Amen. I know exactly how you feel. I too, feel really angry so much lately. I know I have a perfectly beautiful and healthy son, but I was supposed to have 2.

I got really annoyed with all the coverage about the smallest preemie, b/c I kept thinking "Logan was bigger and older than her, and he died."

I am sorry anyone has to go through this, but know Ihonestly feel your pain.

miraclebaby said...

I am still mad too... not in a screaming mad sort of way, but I don't really talk to God much at all any more. And it's hard for me to take church seriously sometimes.
I'm mad because I wanted 10 kids and now I can't have that. I'm mad because I can't just get pregnant whenever I choose... no matter what it will be a burden on everyone, including my daughter. Not to mention the chances of losing another child.

It is OK to be pissed.