Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Hi! We are Elizabeth's emotions. We have hijacked her body.

I haven't updated lately because I have had a very bad case of the whys. You know - Why is this pregnancy going so great but Caleb came 13 weeks and 1 day early? Why did Caleb die? Why didn't I spend that Monday with him? Once the why's start, they never end.

This pregnancy is still going perfect. Monster is still comfy and breech. He has this trick that he loves: He'll kick me and give me a nice shooting pain in my cervix. I swear I can hear him laughing sometimes after he kicks me.

My emotions have been crazy. 3rd trimester is kicking my butt! (Yes, I know, I've only been in the 3rd trimester for about 5 minutes.) I'm back to being ok one minute, then mad, and then crying. Fun. Cary is trying so hard to say the right stuff and not upset me. He doesn't understand that it doesn't matter what he says or does I'm just going to be upset. He can say "you are the most wonderful perfect person ever!" and I'll start crying - or I'll get mad at him for talking instead of changing the TV channel. Then I'll be upset because my motherly instinct sucks and Caleb died. Those are the lovely emotions who have hijacked my body.

That's why I haven't been updating.

I'm going to go eat chocolate and watch TV - I hope there's something good on.

Monday, July 17, 2006


The doctor went perfect today. I heard everything I wanted to hear (except the part when I realized I have now gained a total of 25 pounds).

My cervix has gotten longer! 2 weeks ago it was 37 mm. Today it measured 42 mm. No new restrictions.

Monster now weighs 2 pounds, 2 ounces. He is still breech. He seems very happy like that. The closer his head gets to my ribs, the more I want him to flip. Feet in your ribs is much more comfortable then a head in your ribs.

The ultrasound tech got some good profile pictures of monster today.

I go back to the perinat in 2 weeks. The dr said if I continue to measure long, when I hit 32 weeks they will stop the transvaginal ultrasounds! If I have contractions at that point, they will do an exam. After thinking about it, I think I'd rather have the ultrasounds. The exams hurt!

Sunday, July 16, 2006

We made it!

In 30 minutes, I will officially be past where I was when I had Caleb.

At 26 weeks, 6 days with Caleb I was in labor and delivery. At 26 weeks, 6 days with monster, I am having a lazy Sunday at home with a very active monster still in me.

This is about what monster - still inside me - looks like now (minus all the tubes and wires)...

This is Caleb about 1 hour after he was born. He was so tiny.

I go to the perinat Monday at 10:30 AM. I can tell monster is getting bigger and putting more weight on my cervix. I have put myself on kind-of modified bedrest. After work everyday, I come home and lay on the couch. Cary has been great at helping out around the house. Neither of us want me to be on hospital bedrest again. But, I have a feeling real doctor ordered bedrest is right around the corner.

I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am not to be in the hospital now. And to have monster still in me kicking and stretching. My next high-risk milestone is 28 weeks. At 28 weeks, monster will no longer be considered a micro-preemie and I will be in my 3rd trimester*. Can you believe that? 3rd trimester!!

When I was pregnant with Caleb, I was going through reading Your Pregnancy Week by Week every weekend to see what to expect the coming week. I still have my bookmark at week 27. I get to read week 27 now and move the bookmark to next week.

This is a strange place to be in. I know what happens now to preemies outside the womb, but I clueless to what happens inside the womb.

*What to Expect says 28 weeks is the start of the 3rd trimester, Your Pregnancy Week by Week says 27 weeks is the start of the 3rd trimester. I guess I'll find out which one's right Monday when I talk to my doctor.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

It's a bird. It's a plane...

It's monster (still in my belly) at the movies!

We went to the movies last night. Monster loved it! He was awake and kicking for most of the movie. He loved it so much, we're planning on going again next week.

Everything's the same here - monster's still happy in my belly and Cary and I are happy he is still there! A healthy baby is so worth the stretch marks.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Monster hiccups!

Finally! After 2 pregnancies I got feel baby hiccups! The day I went to the hospital with Caleb we listened to him hiccup, but I never felt them. Today - just now - I felt monster hiccup!

The doctor went well today. The glucose test stuff was nasty. The RhoGAM shot hurt! I've gained about 3 million pounds. I'm measuring 27 1/2 weeks. (I carried Caleb high too. I guess I just like to carry my babies high.)

This time with Caleb, I was hooked up to fetal monitors and mag sulfate and I wasn't allowed out of the bed for anything. I had seen the attending OB and perinat. The perinat told me my goal was to make it to 28 weeks. He also said to prepare to have a preemie.

Today, I’m not at the hospital! I can get up! I have nothing connected to me! Monster's hanging on! YAY!

Maybe this pregnancy will make it term...

Monday, July 10, 2006

26 weeks, 2 days

That's when I went into labor for the first time with Caleb. I will be 26 weeks, 2 days tomorrow. I hope tomorrow will be nice and uneventful.

I go to the OB in the morning for the fun glucose test.

I didn't make it to this test with Caleb. I am very nervous about this week. I don't want to see a hospital.

I've entered a new stage in this grieving thing. Many people warned me about this stage. I realized the other day I don't think about Caleb as much every day. That hurts. I'm so afraid I'm going to forget him (even though I know I won't). I never want to forget him. I don't want to "move on." "Moving on" to me means forgetting. I will adapt. I will learn how to live with the pain of not having Caleb, but I refuse to "move on." It hurts not to think about his as much. There are so many people out there who have lost their babies and they are still going. They (Becci, Hedda, Catherine, KMW, and others) give me strength.

I want to go back to last year, when I was pregnant, anxious, and happy.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

how sweet

I was sitting on the couch last night with my legs up (after sweet, wonderful Cary made me dinner). 2 of our cats (Misty* and Bluto) curled up on my legs to nap. Misty rested his head on my belly - on monster's head - and started to fall asleep. How sweet. Misty, Bluto, and monster curled up asleep together.

Then, monster woke up and started kicking Misty in the head! Not gentle baby kicks, but big, strong, shaking my belly monster kicks. The kicks were so strong, that Cary was sitting on the other end of our sectional watching Misty getting kicked in the head.

The stronger monster gets, I think I need to worry less about my cervix and worry more about him kicking a whole in my stomach.

*Misty is a boy cat with a girl's name. My old roommate and I thought he was a girl when we got him, so we named him Misty. Then, we found out he was a boy. We couldn't agree on another name for him and we figured he would never know he had a girl's name, so we didn't change his name. I would recommend not laughing at him too much. He can squish you. He weighs about 18 pounds.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

I heart my cervix

Still long! My cervix is measuring 37 mm. Still no restrictions. (note: I am still mad at my cervix for not doing its job with Caleb.)

Monster's doing great. He loves to kick my cerclage and give me a nice shooting pain. He is getting so strong now. His kicks are starting to keep me up at night. He was kicking so hard the other day I felt like he was about to kick his foot out my stomach. I could just image monster's little foot hanging out of my stomach - still kicking.

I'm now over 25 weeks, less then 15 left to go! Since I'm past the point of viability and 1 week away from when I went into labor with Caleb, I have packed a hospital bag. I have a feeling trips to labor and delivery for evaluation will begin soon.

My OB has moved me up to every 2 weeks. This usually starts at 28 weeks, but they are starting me early. I go Tuesday for the fun glucose test where I get to drink some nasty stuff and I get a RhoGAM shot in my hip. I was 8 days away from this appointment when I had Caleb. My OB seemed every excited that I was going to make it to the glucose test and RhoGAM shot this time. Maybe she'll want to take the test and get the shot for me...

The perinat still has me coming in every 2 weeks.

Next week marks the point when I went into labor with Caleb. I was 26 weeks, 2 days when they found my cervix was just barely .75 centimeter. They stuck me in a wheelchair and wheeled me directly over to the hospital. My perinat said the next week might be difficult for me. He said if I need to see them for peace of mind, just to call and they would squeeze me in. The closer I get to 26 weeks, 2 days the more I start to worry. I would love to just jump ahead a week or two.

Monster just waved at everyone.

Happy 4th!