Monday, July 10, 2006

26 weeks, 2 days

That's when I went into labor for the first time with Caleb. I will be 26 weeks, 2 days tomorrow. I hope tomorrow will be nice and uneventful.

I go to the OB in the morning for the fun glucose test.

I didn't make it to this test with Caleb. I am very nervous about this week. I don't want to see a hospital.


I've entered a new stage in this grieving thing. Many people warned me about this stage. I realized the other day I don't think about Caleb as much every day. That hurts. I'm so afraid I'm going to forget him (even though I know I won't). I never want to forget him. I don't want to "move on." "Moving on" to me means forgetting. I will adapt. I will learn how to live with the pain of not having Caleb, but I refuse to "move on." It hurts not to think about his as much. There are so many people out there who have lost their babies and they are still going. They (Becci, Hedda, Catherine, KMW, and others) give me strength.

I want to go back to last year, when I was pregnant, anxious, and happy.

7 comments:

Catherine said...

Still going? There really isn't another option.

You might forget a few of the little details. But you will never forget your son...or your love for your son.

And by writing about him here, other people (like me) will be able to remember him too.

Hedda said...

You are right. You will never forget.

Catherine is right. There is no option but to continue to go on.

One of the most amazing and frustrating things is finding out how much strength you have. It can really piss you off.

I put a picture of Garrett up last week.

Remember to call if you need me.

Lucy Henry said...

I was also feeling the same way about Caleb. On Sunday while I was waiting for Daddy to get ready for church I started looking through Caleb's photo album. First I thought of how tiny he was when he was born and how much he had gone through. Then I though of how many lives he touched. The Lord let us have beautiful Caleb to bless our lives also. We will never forget him.

Mary Ann said...

Oh babay, we all wish we could go back to last year when you were happy all the time. Since we can't and time has moved on, know that you will be happy again...and you don't have to move on past Caleb. I don't see how you could. Adapting will be hard, but at some point it will be doable (yes, that is a word...). Try to not push yourself into that yet. You are still healing...and still actively grieving the loss of someone very special! Someday you will breathe again, little bit. Please know how much we all love you...and how much we all miss Caleb.

Red on Head...On Fire for Jesus said...

Your transparency leave me speechless. I admire you so much.

The Mom said...

Thinking of you today...

Rachel said...

I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you today. You and monster hang in there.