Today is the start of the month I never finished with Caleb. I am 23 weeks today. This is the start of month 6. Month 6 ends at 27 weeks. I had Caleb at 26 weeks, 6 days. The closer I get to 26 weeks, the more freaked out I am. Every time I feel something, I start to freak out a little. I don't want to miss the signs of preterm labor again. I don't want another baby to have to go through what Caleb went through.
On to other things...
I thought all of you would like to make fun of my giant belly.
Here's a picture of me with a 22 week Caleb belly bump.
See how I'm cute and thin with a tiny little bump and how my dress fits around my chest?
Now, here's picture of me with a 22 weeks monster #2 bump (please ignore the goofy face).
See any difference? No. I'm exactly the same size - I wish. EVERYTHING gets bigger with baby #2, especially if you're crazy like me and your pregnancies are less than 3 months apart. See how now I'm not so cute, not so thin, and the belly bump is not so little. Notice how my dress fits around my chest (more like doesn't fit)? Notice the giant I'm-not-allowed-to-workout arms? AND I have 17 weeks to go! I will soon be a house – if I keep going like this, I will be a mansion.
Father's day wasn't good. Father's day was so much harder then Mother's day. It kills me that for Cary's first Father's day his son wasn't here for him to hold. We had such big dreams for our first mother's and father's day. None of them happened. We don't have a baby to hold. We are in the same place we were in last year - pregnant and without a baby at home. Next year should be easier, right?
Cary had been working on burning a CD of songs he liked for Caleb. He found this one song that he loved for Caleb. He played it for me tons while Caleb was in the hospital. When he missed him, he would listen to the song. Every time we hear the song, we think of Caleb. We went to a rehearsal dinner Saturday night for one of Cary's friends. They played a slide show of the couple growing up. The first song that came on was that song. Caleb's song. I looked over at Cary about the same time he reached for a napkin to wipe his eyes. We wore both crying. I couldn't wait until the song ended. (I don’t remember the name of the song. Sorry! I have preggo brain. I'm working on getting the name of the song.)
I hurt so much for him. I wish his first Father's Day was different. I wish it was the day he had always dreamed. I wish he was holding his healthy son. I spent most of the weekend crying and hurting for him.
On to the wedding...
While, you know I'm pregnant (if you didn't know, you haven't been paying attention). You know how when you talk to a pregnant person there are a few questions every one asks:
How far along are you?
When are you do?
Is it a boy or a girl?
Is this your first?
That last question is a little tricky. 2 people asked us at the wedding. The first time, I just looked at Cary with the "please help me smile" and he answered "yes, this is our first." We thought that would be the only time we were asked. We were wrong! The second time, I looked at him and he looked at me. We didn't know what to say. We already lied to one person, should we lie again? We did. "Yes, this is our first."
Really, how do you answer that? Do you say "this is our second"?
Then, they ask "How old is your other baby?"
We say “He passed away when he was 6 1/2 months old. He would be a little over 8 months old now.”
“Oh, I'm so sorry.”
Then they walk away.
Do we really need to go through that all the time with strangers? It is so much easier just to say "yes, this is our first." But, is that denying Caleb? I want to talk about him. I want to brag about him. He was our first child. He was our first son. He still is our baby; he just lives in heaven now. But, is it worth explaining that to strangers at a wedding who you know you will never see again?
The wedding was beautiful. Cary was a groomsmen and he did a great job. We met some great people there. It was so strange to see Cary wear a yarmulke (it was a Jewish wedding, and we're not Jewish). They did the chair dance thing (I'm sure there's a name for it). It was so much fun to see the bride and groom bouncing up and down in the chairs - just inches from the ceiling. Monster loved the music. He was dancing away.
Instead of favors, the bride and groom donated money to the American Diabetes Association in memory of the bride's dad. I would love when monster grows up and gets married if he donates money to March of Dimes in memory of his big brother.
I go back to the perinatalogist tomorrow for another of my regular appointments. They are going to measure monster and chart his growth compared to other babies his gestational age.
I love getting to see him every 2 weeks! That's one advantage of being high-risk.
I’ll try to update tomorrow and let you know how the doctor goes.