I haven't updated lately because I have had a very bad case of the whys. You know - Why is this pregnancy going so great but Caleb came 13 weeks and 1 day early? Why did Caleb die? Why didn't I spend that Monday with him? Once the why's start, they never end.
This pregnancy is still going perfect. Monster is still comfy and breech. He has this trick that he loves: He'll kick me and give me a nice shooting pain in my cervix. I swear I can hear him laughing sometimes after he kicks me.
My emotions have been crazy. 3rd trimester is kicking my butt! (Yes, I know, I've only been in the 3rd trimester for about 5 minutes.) I'm back to being ok one minute, then mad, and then crying. Fun. Cary is trying so hard to say the right stuff and not upset me. He doesn't understand that it doesn't matter what he says or does I'm just going to be upset. He can say "you are the most wonderful perfect person ever!" and I'll start crying - or I'll get mad at him for talking instead of changing the TV channel. Then I'll be upset because my motherly instinct sucks and Caleb died. Those are the lovely emotions who have hijacked my body.
That's why I haven't been updating.
I'm going to go eat chocolate and watch TV - I hope there's something good on.
6 comments:
Aw, I'm sorry. All your emotions are totally understandable though. Stock up on chocolate and make sure Cary keeps the remote filled with fully charged batteries!
And it's hard to be nice when you just don't feel like being nice. We all understand emotions and we will cut you some slack, actually we will cut you lots of slack. Brighter days are coming!!!
Sorry your emotions are so up and down right now, but I can only imagine what you are feeling. It is such an exciting time being pregnant but at the same you are dealing with the loss of Caleb. The two most extreme emotions possible. I know you have heard it a million times, but there was nothing different that you should have done with Caleb. Caleb was lucky to have you as a Mom!! You are such a sweet and loving person.
I'm sorry you have been having such a tough time. Tell Cary to try not to take any of it personally. He should just be ready with some chocolate and a hug. Those hormones can really mess with you.
Welcome to the third trimester. It is horrible without adding grief emotions!! I am sure there are times where you are convinced that you are going crazy...and other times you are convinced the rest of us are! I know, I know. You always make perfect sense and why don't the rest of us understand that?! I feel for Cary. I know Kevin didn't know which end was up my third trimester...and sometimes the end that was up one nanosecond, wasn't the next! It is okay that you haven't updated! Happily, there is nothing going on with you that needs updating...no hospital trips, no contractions...only incredible kicking man doing his thing. As much as you know these emotions (all of them) are temporary, try to not get too tangled up in them. Even the grief ones will lessen, for a while anyway. Now go eat more chocolate and let me know if you need a shopping trip....
We all ask the whys. I do for sure. I have been absent from blogging wuite a bit lately, for unexplained reasons, so I am glad to hear that you are still pregnant and still doing well.
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