Tuesday, November 21, 2006


Someone asked me yesterday if I was looking forward to the holidays. I'm not. I'm afraid of the holidays. I'm starting to get cautiously excited about Thanksgiving. But, then I think of this:

One year ago tomorrow - November 22, 2005 - I was able to hold Caleb for the first time. He was 6 weeks old.

The day after Thanksgiving, I was shopping with my family. I was at the Gap looking at their preemie clothes when Cary called and told me the hospital had just called him to tell him they took Caleb off the respirator and put him on CPAP. (that was one big run-on sentence) He was doing so great on the CPAP they were able wean him some. That was a huge step for Caleb. I started to believe that he was on the track to coming home soon - maybe by Christmas! The Wednesday after Thanksgiving, Caleb was transported to Egleston for exploratory surgery. His stomach had been puffy for a few days. All the doctors (except Dr D) agreed it definitely was not NEC. At 11pm, the surgical resident called me to tell me Caleb's surgery was complete. They removed 6 inches of dead intestines. It looked like it was NEC. He bounced back from the surgery and grew so big. He was finally almost ready to come home! Then on April 24, 2006, he developed NEC again and died.

No, I'm not looking forward to the holidays. Last year was Caleb's first. We have a Christmas ornament for him. I didn't decorate for Christmas last year. I wanted to wait for Caleb to be home. This Christmas and Thanksgiving were going to be great. We were going to have two healthy boys at home. Caleb would be 10 months adjusted now. He would be close to walking. It was going to be great - and chaotic!

I am excited to have Nolan. I am excited that he will have his first everything. But, I'm afraid. What if he doesn't have his second or third or tenth holidays? My heart can't take it.

I am starting to get excited about Thanksgiving. I am excited to show Nolan off. He is HUGE now! But, I'm just as sad that I won't be able to show off Caleb.

I've heard the first holidays are the hardest. I hope next year hurts less.

Now, that's a nice cheerful post for your Thanksgiving holidays. Sorry about that. To make up for the sad post, I will tell you how dumb I have been lately. I now know what it feels like to be an airhead.
The other day, after Nolan's immunizations, I went to take his temperature. I couldn't get the thermometer to work. When I got home from work, I tried again. This time I took the cover off...

I had to get a calculator out to figure out 1/2 of 20.

My favorite:
I was excited about shopping the day after Thanksgiving so I could buy Nolan a new outfit to wear to Thanksgiving dinner. I took me a few days (yes, days) to figure out that if I bought him an outfit the day after Thanksgiving, he wouldn't be able to wear it Thanksgiving day (the day before I would have bought the outfit).

I know all the moms out there in blogland are laughing; Not because I'm such an airhead, but because they have done similar things.
Caleb took 1/2 my brain, Nolan took the other 1/2. I'm left with nothing.

Look at those chins!

Happy Thanksgiving!


sarah said...

Wow, I know exactly how you feel about the holidays. I thought Logan would definitely be home by Christmas, in fact it was my benchmark when the times got tough (I would always say, "what a great Christmas it will be this year).

I am excited to celebrate with Cooper, but I am sure I will remember everything about last years' holidays. I will think of you during the holidays.

By the way, my brain is GONE. I had to stop and think for a minute when I was asked my home home phone number the other day. Duh!

miraclebaby said...

I'm sorry you have mixed feelings about the Holidays. (((hugs)))

Nolan is getting so big!

Mrs. S said...

I'm sorry you're sad and I wish there was something I could do or say to help, as I'm sure many of your friends and family do. Instead, I'm just going to offer e-hugs *HUGS!!* and hope that you feel better soon. If all else fails, hug your baby - that always works for me.

(speaking of which, I believe you are WAY OVERDUE on posting some pictures for us, your dedicated readers :D)

As for the baby-brain issue... Zoe must have been an even bigger baby than I thought - your two little guys each took half your brain, Zoe took my WHOLE brain in one shot.