Christmas recap

On Christmas Eve, Nolan helped me make cookies for Santa. He was a big help.


After Cary woke up Christmas morning, we all went downstairs to see what Santa left for us. Nolan didn't understand the presents thing.


Santa brought Nolan a Bumbo. (by the way, bumbo's come with instructions. Why? It's a seat. You take the bumbo out of the box. You put the baby in bumbo. Do people really need instructions?) Nolan's getting better with the head control. He doesn't look as uncomfortable in the seat now. In a week or two, he'll do great in the bumbo.



He also got an exersaucer.




Nolan also got a highchair and spoons. He is ready for rice cearal - just waiting the the doctor's ok.


I'm glad the holidays are over. We survived our first holidays without Caleb. Now, I just have to get through New Year's and Easter. Easter will be a hard one.

Merry Christmas

Christmas last year:

Caleb was 2 1/2 months old. He was just a few weeks away from his due date.


Caleb and Nolan's ornaments.


Random pictures (I love having a camera phone - even with the low res. pictures)

Nolan talked to his stroller friend the whole time we were in Babies R Us.


Nolan's 4am happy time. This picture is just to prepare you for the next picture.


I don't think he can smile any bigger!

I will post Nolan's profesional pictures, santa pictures, and Christmas pictures next week.


Merry Christmas!

Smile!

This was taken a little after midnight a few days ago. Nolan is very awake and happy in the middle of the night. Last night he was talking to his mobile at 2 am (I guess that's really this morning). Sorry the picture's so dark.




Some of you have mentioned that you can't figure out how to leave a comment with my fancy new template. Just click on comments (just below this paragraph - see it?) and the same pop-up from the old boring template will pop-up. Then you can leave a comment just like before.

the cutest picture ever!

This is the cutest picture of Nolan I have ever seen. He was all ready to go get his picture taken for our Christmas cards. Horizontal stripes might not be a good idea for a belly that big!


We went to the Festival of Trees today with Alyson. The festival benefits Children's Healthcare of Atlanta - 2 of 3 the hospitals Caleb visited. We had a good time. They had a roller coaster, a giant slide, carousel, crafts for kids, and, of course, some Christmas trees.

Nolan could barely contain his excitement.


Us in front of the Falcon's tree. (They won today!)

Camera phones don't take the best pictures.

Mary Ann had her baby Thursday. He was 7lbs, 2oz. He is beautiful, tiny, fragile, and healthy! I kept thinking, if a 7 pounder felt that fragile, how fragile did little 5 pound Nolan feel? It is nice that Nolan is big enough now to eat his cousin.

took me long enough to update...

I’ve been following this blog for a while now. Her son was born a few days before Caleb. I was looking at the picture of her son last year at Christmas and I realized that’s the size Nolan is now! This time last year, I was looking at pictures of her son thinking that’s how big Caleb would be if he was term. Now, I’m looking at pictures of her son thinking Nolan will be that size this time next year!

My boys would have been 11 months apart - 8 months adjusted (that would have been fun to explain to strangers).

I wore my winter jacket for the first time this year yesterday. I felt something in my pocket. I reached in and found this:



It’s my arm band from Caleb’s last trip to Gwinnett. I put it back in my pocket. I’m not sure how I feel about finding it, but I like having it there. It’s a like a little piece of Caleb is with me. (I have little pieces of Nolan everywhere - from my hair that I don’t have time to dry before work, to the pictures of him on my fancy new phone, to the occassional spit-up on my clothes.)



Nolan will be 3 months old Monday. Can you believe that? 3 months! We’re taking him Saturday for his 3 months/Christmas card pictures. While we’re at the mall, we might as well stop by and visit Santa. (Unless the line is really long and full of crying screaming parents - and kids. I’m sure Saturday at lunch time will be the perfect time to go. I will need a BIG dose of patience.)

Mary Ann’s baby did not come Dec. 1 like I predicted. She will have a scheduled c-section tomorrow at 5 p.m.

E’s baby is doing well. He is in the NICU. The dr is guessing he will be there for 2-3 weeks. If he keeps doing well, he may be home by Christmas! I jealous and excited for E and her family.

I joined Curves last night. I was member there a few years ago, just before Cary and I got married. It is a good, easy workout. Perfect for people who haven’t worked out in a while - like me! I’m determined to lose my last 15 Caleb pounds and my last 15 Nolan pounds. You can really pack on the pounds with 2 pregnancy back-to-back - and it takes a ton longer to lose the weight when you don't breastfeed*.

I pretty sure 1/2 of you don't read anything I say. You just scan for pictures.


tummy time





He's not always a big fan of tummy time.


after tummy time


I can't believe how cute he is!
He had too much to eat and had to unbutton his jeans.



*I wrote a whole post about not breastfeeding one day and I decided no one cared, so I deleted it. Basically, breastfed Nolan = 4 pound Nolan; formula fed Nolan = 13 pound Nolan. I had issues with not having enough milk with Caleb, too.

growing too fast!

Nolan's outgrown his 0-3 clothes. I have them packed up ready to go to Mary Ann for her new baby (I think she'll have him tomorrow).

Nolan is now in HUGE 3-6 month clothes. I kept him 0-3 as long as I could. I finally decided it was time to put him in sleepers big enough for him to stretch his legs.

He now smiles and laughs and talks. We've found a couple of his tickle spots.

On a sad note: Nolan is now wearing the size Caleb was wearing when he passed away. I was pulling some of the last things Caleb wore out for Nolan this morning. It was hard. The outfits have so many memories - good and bad. I don't know if I'll be able to dress Nolan in those clothes. We'll see.

Remember how I told you about my friend E? She is scheduled for a c-section tomorrow. She will be 34 weeks. Pray for her, the new one, her hubby, and their 5-year-old.

What happened to little Nolan?

This can't be Nolan.



Nolan is a tiny 5 pound baby.



Not this big 11 pounder.



I think Cary switched babies one day while I was at work.

Holidays

Someone asked me yesterday if I was looking forward to the holidays. I'm not. I'm afraid of the holidays. I'm starting to get cautiously excited about Thanksgiving. But, then I think of this:

One year ago tomorrow - November 22, 2005 - I was able to hold Caleb for the first time. He was 6 weeks old.

The day after Thanksgiving, I was shopping with my family. I was at the Gap looking at their preemie clothes when Cary called and told me the hospital had just called him to tell him they took Caleb off the respirator and put him on CPAP. (that was one big run-on sentence) He was doing so great on the CPAP they were able wean him some. That was a huge step for Caleb. I started to believe that he was on the track to coming home soon - maybe by Christmas! The Wednesday after Thanksgiving, Caleb was transported to Egleston for exploratory surgery. His stomach had been puffy for a few days. All the doctors (except Dr D) agreed it definitely was not NEC. At 11pm, the surgical resident called me to tell me Caleb's surgery was complete. They removed 6 inches of dead intestines. It looked like it was NEC. He bounced back from the surgery and grew so big. He was finally almost ready to come home! Then on April 24, 2006, he developed NEC again and died.

No, I'm not looking forward to the holidays. Last year was Caleb's first. We have a Christmas ornament for him. I didn't decorate for Christmas last year. I wanted to wait for Caleb to be home. This Christmas and Thanksgiving were going to be great. We were going to have two healthy boys at home. Caleb would be 10 months adjusted now. He would be close to walking. It was going to be great - and chaotic!

I am excited to have Nolan. I am excited that he will have his first everything. But, I'm afraid. What if he doesn't have his second or third or tenth holidays? My heart can't take it.

I am starting to get excited about Thanksgiving. I am excited to show Nolan off. He is HUGE now! But, I'm just as sad that I won't be able to show off Caleb.

I've heard the first holidays are the hardest. I hope next year hurts less.


Now, that's a nice cheerful post for your Thanksgiving holidays. Sorry about that. To make up for the sad post, I will tell you how dumb I have been lately. I now know what it feels like to be an airhead.
The other day, after Nolan's immunizations, I went to take his temperature. I couldn't get the thermometer to work. When I got home from work, I tried again. This time I took the cover off...

I had to get a calculator out to figure out 1/2 of 20.

My favorite:
I was excited about shopping the day after Thanksgiving so I could buy Nolan a new outfit to wear to Thanksgiving dinner. I took me a few days (yes, days) to figure out that if I bought him an outfit the day after Thanksgiving, he wouldn't be able to wear it Thanksgiving day (the day before I would have bought the outfit).

I know all the moms out there in blogland are laughing; Not because I'm such an airhead, but because they have done similar things.
Caleb took 1/2 my brain, Nolan took the other 1/2. I'm left with nothing.


Look at those chins!

Happy Thanksgiving!

back from the doctor

(I wrote this post for you last Wednesday. The pictures are from today.)



Nolan had is 2-month check-up yesterday. Mr. Mom took him all by himself. Cary said Nolan did great. Nolan barely cried when he got his shots.

We were guessing how much Nolan weighed. I said 10 pounds; Cary said 12 pounds. We were both wrong.

Nolan’s new stats:
weight: 11 pounds
height: 21 1/2”
head: 14”

He is measuring just below the 50th percentile for his weight and height. He head is measuring small - he has a little head like me.

The doctor recommended giving Nolan a warm bath last night. Nolan does good with baths. He will startle when I first put him in the water, but after a few seconds, he relaxes and enjoys the bath. He relaxed so much last night that he peed everywhere - he almost got me. He kept leaning to the side of his bath hammock with one arm in the water. I would adjust him and he would go right back to the side of the hammock with his head leaning on the side of the tub and his arm in the water (he was relaxed in that position when he peed everywhere.)

After bath time, we had mommy-nolan cuddle time. It’s great. I love mommy-nolan time. I miss mommy-caleb time.

Last night, while I was I holding Nolan he looked at me and gave me a big smile. It wasn’t gas; it wasn’t him just playing with facial expressions; it was a full big smile just for me.

I forgot to tell you he rolled over last week. He was fussy, so I put him on his belly to try to claim him down. I had to run downstairs for a second and when I got back Nolan was on his back. I put him back on his stomach to see if he would do it again. Nothing. He rolled over 1 time and I missed it.

This weekend I’m going to go through all the clothes he has outgrown and pass them on to my sister for her soon-to-be little one. I can’t believe he is in 0-3 months clothes (there are even a couple 0-3’s that he has outgrown!).

The honeymoon's over

Our nice quiet baby who only cried when he was hungry was been replaced by a loud baby who cries all the time, expect when he is sleeping or when he has a bottle in his mouth.


I have posts for you. I have them written and ready to go, but I haven't had time to post them. They have been ready for a few days now. I will try to post them soon, but now Nolan is crying for NO reason! I'm going to go shove a pacifier in his mouth so I can have a few seconds of silence.

9-12 pounds?

This oufit is for a 9-12 pound baby.

I think he might need bigger clothes.

2 months

Nolan is 2 months old today. He is growing so fast. (This would be a good place to put a new picture of Nolan.) His big butt is now in size 1 diapers. He is finally wearing 0-3 months clothes. Cary (Mr. Mom) is taking Nolan to his 2 month check-up Tuesday morning. He thinks Nolan is 12 pounds, I think Nolan is 10 pounds.

What else was I supposed to tell you?
We got a new car. Most people upgrade to larger cars and SUV when they have kids. We downsized. Cary's car was very big. There was plenty of room for Nolan's car seat and his stroller and there was still extra room. But, big cars use a lot of gas. Cary was spending about $200 a month on gas. So, we downsized. We went from an Isuzu Trooper (about 2 MPG) to a PT Cruiser (about 327403824723 MPG). The back seat is a little tight with the car seat and there's not a lot of extra room in the back after with the stroller back there. But, we're saving about $1 million a month in gas money. (this would be a good place to put of picture of the new car.)

I got my hair chopped off. I have wanted to get it cut for a long time, but I've had preggo hair forever. My hair is normally straight, silky, and thin. When I'm pregnant, my hair is dry, frizzy, wavy, and thick. I didn't want someone to give me a hair cut for my preggo hair. I wanted something that would look good when my hair went back to normal. My hair is almost normal again. I'm only clogging the shower drain once week (we were using a full thing of draino a week). (this would be a good place to put a picture of my hair cut - it's basically a bob).

What else?
I went back to work. Cary is now officially a stay-at-home dad. We're both doing OK with the arrangement. I have Nolan on a feeding schedule. When we stick to the schedule we both feed him 3 times a day and we both get 8 hours of sleep (me from 10 pm-6am, Cary from 2am-10am). My transition back to work has been good. Cary is doing a good job watching Nolan. That makes it easier being back at work.

This is a much better post then the last one. I bet no one's crying this time. I'll work on the pictures. I have nothing but time now - between working full-time, taking over the Nolan shift after work, getting everything ready for Cary for the next day, doing laundry, and cleaning the house. Nothing but time...


Oh- and I changed the design of the blog - thanks to Miss Zoot's free templates.


One more thing I told you would tell you about:
I had my 6 week check up October 31 (at 7 weeks post partum). I don't understand why they have to weigh you at the check-up. It just isn't nice. I was a little under 125 pounds when I got pregnant with Caleb. I put on over 30 pounds with him. I had lost over 15 of the 30+ pounds and was back into my pre-pregnancy jeans when I found out I was pregnant again. I gained another 35 pounds with Nolan. I have lost about 20 Nolan pounds. I have 30 pounds to lose to get back to my pre-pre-pregnancy size. ARGH! I know the weight would come off a lot faster if I could nurse or pump - that's another story and it's time to feed Nolan now. I'll tell you about the not nursing thing later.

One more thing - pray for my friend E. It looks like she's going to have a preemie. She is 31 weeks. She has protein in her urine. She lost a son a few years ago. He was still born at 34 weeks. She will stay in the hospital until her new son is born. She has a 5 year old daugher at home.

emails

This isn't the post I told you I would write over the weekend. Going back to work is exhausting. I wrote this post a couple of days ago. This is the first chance I have had to post it. I will write a post about the new car, the new hair cut, and a full Nolan update soon!

I was going through my emails today and I ran across the folder I made with all the emails I received about Caleb. I made the mistake of reading them.

I'll share them with you. (you might want tissue - or a box of tissues for the preggos and post-partumers.)

This is what I sent to everyone 2 days after Caleb was born:
I'm home now. The doctor discharged me yesterday afternoon. It feels good to be out of a hospital bed.

We have named the baby - Caleb Robert Locke. In case you missed the stats. - He was born October 10 at 3:31 pm. He weighed 2 pounds, 1 ounce. They haven't measured his length yet. I was at 27 weeks.

We got a chance to talk to Caleb's doctor yesterday. He said Caleb's doing good. He is breathing some on his own. They were going to try to pull him off the machine last night. We're going back to the hospital later today and we'll know if he is off the machine then. The doctor told us preemies can have many problems. He feels hopeful about Caleb being ok. He told us our goal with Caleb for the next few weeks it to make it to the next day.

We got to touch him last night. It was great! He squeezed my hand.

I must say, Caleb is the cutest, sweetest little boy in the whole world. ;)

The doctor said I need to take it easy until I see her again in 6 weeks. I'm exhausted, this past week has been overwhelming. We don't want any visitors today.


Thanks for your prayers!! Please keep Caleb in your prayers.


Here are some of responses to the email:
Wow! Out of the hospital already! That is GREAT!
It was soooo.... exciting to see your baby, and I LOVE the name Caleb.


Glad everyone is doing well. I want to come visit soon, so you just let me know when it’s a good time for you, emotionally and physically. I told (our group of friends) about your news. I hope that was OK. I figured that the more people who knew would just mean more prayers of good wishes for Caleb.


I am so happy for you! Please know that you, Caleb, and Cary are all in my prayers. I hope you have a chance to relax a little today. I know it's especially good to know that the Dr. is hopeful about Caleb. My mom said to tell you that she knows a little girl who was born 3 mos. early (also at about 2 pounds) and now she is a bouncing 12 year-old, with no ill effects from being premature. We will pray for the same happy future for Caleb.


I'm thrilled for both of you. I love the name you chose. Thanks for the update. Keep us filled in. The children are curious as to what's happening. They are very happy for you.

I love both of you,
God speed for Caleb.


I’m so glad you’re out of the hospital and seem to be in good spirits. When A told me about the delivery the other day, I was surprised (along with everyone else) but was hopeful that everything would work out just fine. I’m glad that Caleb is breathing well and that the doctor is optimistic. Always good signs….. Just know that you, Cary and Caleb are in my thoughts and that you have support from everyone.

If there is anything I can do, please, please let me know.


I have heard the news on the newborn and just want to let you know that i am
very grateful to hear that yourself and Caleb are doing good! I just want
you to know that the three of you will be in my prayers.


Congrats on your sweet baby boy. I love his name.


I hope that you get feeling better soon and I will be praying you, your husband and especially Caleb.


That's a beautiful name. I can't wait to see him. Please keep me updated.


Crying yet? I have more...

About 1 1/2 weeks after Caleb was born, Cary went into the hospital with endocarditis. He was in the hospital for 4 days. When he came home, he was on IV antibotics for about 5 weeks. The dr told us that if Cary didn't go to the doctor when he did and start getting treatments, he would have died. Just what you want to hear 1 1/2 weeks after your son is born 13 weeks early.

My email from the day after Cary went home (October 26)
Cary's home!! He was discharged late last night and we went straight to Gwinnett Medical to see Caleb. Cary has a PIC line in his arm. The nurse is coming by at 10 am to show us how to injection the antibotics. He will be on antibotics for about 4 weeks. He will get 2 antibotics every 12 hours.

Caleb's belly is puffy. They are doing another ultrasound today to see what's making it puffy. He does have an infection in his lungs. They have him on 2 antibotics (one of them is the same one Cary is on). He is back on IV fluids. Still all normal preemie stuff. Other then that, he's doing great. He is growing so fast!


I don't know how we made it through all of this.
A few days after Cary came home, we found out Caleb had brian bleeds, potential brian damage, and was at high risk for developmenting cerebral palsey. And he needed a surgery to put a device in the soft spot on his head to drain the extra fluid around his brain.

October 28:
Caleb will be going to Scottish Rite Friday morning for a procedure. He will be there for about 2 to 3 days, then he will go back to Gwinnett Medical.

He does not have an infection! Some of his levels were off (like his protein and magnesuim levels). The doctor's giving him extra stuff to correct the levels.

They did another Xray of his belly. Everything looks good.

Cary's doing great. The nurse showed us how to inject his antibotics yesterday. It is very easy! He will be on the antibotics for about 4 weeks. He goes to the doctor November 4 for a check-up.

Feb. 23
How I told me friends I was pregnant with lil' nolan.

20 Random Thoughts - - - List yours and send to friends!

1. when will Caleb come home
2. how big will Caleb be when he gets home
3. wonder how much they will up his feedings today
4. do I have to work today
5. can I just play all day
6. are we ever going to have another girls night
7. are people still reading my random thought?
8. wonder if amalah.com has updated yet
9. what is everyone going to think when they read my thoughts
10. how long will Caleb be home before the new baby arrives
11. will I make it term with this baby
12. how hard is it going to be to have 2 babies under 1
13. can I get my tubes tied at 29?
14. when will they ship me off to the hospital for bedrest
15. will my work be patient with all the time off I'm going to need
16. how is Cary going to take care of 2 babies to at home alone all day long
17. LOL! Cary taking care of 2 babies!
18. When will Cary finally change his first diaper?
19. what is everyone thinking now?
20. who will respond first?

March 27:
Thought everyone would like to know how the dr (for the new baby) went today.

Everything looks great. The baby is VERY active. It was moving so much more then Caleb did, and he moved a lot!

I will have a cerclage some time next week. I have also decided to get weekly progesterone shots. Both things will help this pregnancy last longer. The nurse will be calling me in the next few days to let me know the date and time of the cerclage.
The shots usually start at about 16 weeks. I don't know too much about the shots. I do know they have been proven to prolong pregnancies and the longer the baby is in me, the better.
I will be having a McDonald cerclage. They will give me an epidural for the procedure. Usually, they send you home the same day. If I show any signs of preterm labor, they will keep me overnight for monitoring. I will have a couple of days of home bedrest, then I'll be back to normal - with some restrictions. The doctor said we will talk about the restrictions later.

I go back to the perinatologist on April 10 for a follow-up. Then, back to the OB on April 25 for a regular check up. After that, I'll only have about 3 million appointments left.

My due date is October 10, but the baby is measuring October 15-16. So, the perinat. will be talking to my OB about changing my due date to October 16.

We haven't decided if we are going to find out the sex of the baby.

Caleb update:
If you haven't heard yet, I had a meeting with Dr L Sunday afternoon. He said they are getting Caleb ready to come home!! It will be about 1-2 months before he is ready. They are working to get him off some of his medicines, off the feeding tube, and on lower nasal cannula settings.


April 25:
Elizabeth,
I am so sorry to read that Caleb has passed away. I know that was so unexpected. I just don't know what to say. I can't imagine your pain. I just want you to know that I am here for you. I know you don't feel like talking right now, but when you do, please call me. If there is anything at all that I can do for you, please let me know. Anything at all. I am so sad for you and your family. You are in my prayers.


I was saddened to hear of Caleb's passing. Please know that I am among those who are praying for you and your family. I am praying that the Lord will surround you all with His loving and comforting presence.


So sorry to hear about Caleb. Know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.


Oh, Elizabeth, how very sorry I am to hear about Caleb! May God comfort you as only He can!


My heart goes out to you at this time and my prayers are with you and your family. May God comfort and sustain you in the hours and days ahead.


I have kept up with Caleb through (work) and have been praying for all of you since his birth. My prayer is that God's grace will be as sufficient for you as it was for my wife and I when we went through the loss of a child.


April 27:
From Hedda
I wondered how to update the band. I left the hospital Monday night and told G to take care of Caleb. I know he will. They will be BFF like us.

I swear, you have to stop copying me. At least, if you do keep copying me MWEFA will be ok. :) (before Nolan was monster he was Molly William Everett Frank Ann (MWEFA) - all the names we had talked about using. Hedda's first son G was born premature and passed away. Her second son was born pre-term and is now a perfect 2-year-old - with BIG blue eyes.)

Don't worry about my birthday. K and I will celebrate Saturday. It's no big deal. (We scheduled Caleb's memorial on her birthday! I felt so bad when I realized what we did)

Tomorrow I will be there for you. I will be watching you to make sure you are okay. I feel like I can read you fairly well. If you get overwhelmed or need time to yourself just give me a signal and I will whisk you (or you and Cary) away.

I love you.


It that wasn't bad enough, I have more...
Hey. I have been thinking about you a lot the last couple of days. I just
wanted you to know how glad I am that Mom and Dad didn't stop with Stephen.
I am glad you are my sister and that we seem to even be friends! I truly
wish that I could do something to make you feel better, to take away your
sadness. But I know that is just a wish. I know that God has some currently
unfathomable reason why He has allowed you to come to this painful
place...even though I don't actually agree with Him right now about it. Just
know that I love you. Mac

(now I know MAC is crying - some one pass her another tissue please)


October 9, 2006
How's it going? Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about Caleb today and will tomorrow on his birthday. This morning, I looked at his photos that are saved to my computer. Such a precious chunk.

Only God can give us hearts that are capable of the love like you have for your children. Maybe that's how He loves us and then some.



I could go on and tell you how I feel about the holidays, but this is enough for 1 post. No more crying for today.

I'll give you a happy post soon - as soon as I have more free time.

mini-post

I have so much to tell you. I went to my 6 weeks check up, we bought a new car, I got my hair chopped off, I want back to work...
But, I tired now so I'm going bed. I'll try to fill you in on everything over the weekend.

Here are some pictures to hold you over.

Ready for a shopping trip.


"My girlfriend is out of town"


After the shopping trip (finally a picutre without his pacifier!). (something about his position in this picture cracks me up.)


Update from baby watch:
Mrs. S had her baby!

baby watch

The Mom had her baby yesterday.

Now it's Mrs. S's turn. Come on, Zoe!

for Mrs. S

There's a monster at the end of this post...

Nolan's weight check went great! He finally made it on to the weight chart. He is in the 7th percentile. Tuesday, he weighed 7 lbs, 4 ounces and was 19 7/8" long. He is growing so fast!

Nolan got a new cousin on Caleb's birthday. His new cousin was born by c-section October 10. He weighed 9 lbs, 9 ounces and was 22" long. It was strange to see a newborn who is big enough to eat my 1-month-old.

Every year my family has a pumpkin carving contest. All the grown-ups carve pumpkins and all the kids show off their Halloween costumes. We skipped the contest last year - something about a preemie in the hospital. This year, the contest was back. We carved the best pumpkin, but we didn't win. We demanded a recount. We'll win next year. Anyway, we dressed Nolan up in his costume. (It is VERY hard to find a costume for a 7 lb baby.) Can you guess what his is?? Give up? He's a monster!

He's even making his monster face!

He had a long day.

Tomorrow's the big day

Tomorrow would have been Caleb's first birthday.

I don't know what to say. I miss him.

I wish he was here to meet his little brother. I wish he was crawling all over the house. I wish I could see him chasing the cats. I wish I was getting the house ready for our friends and family to come over for his first birthday party. But, I'm not. He taught me so much. He made me the person I am today.

Caleb touched so many lifes. His work on earth was done. I wish it wasn't. I wish he could be here forever. I wish he was still here.

I hope they have birthday cake in Heaven. Caleb deserves to stick his head in some good sugary cake.


(While I'm typing this I'm listening Nolan sleep-farting over the baby moniter. Anyone want to change his diaper?)

Speaking of the gasman - Nolan has a weight check tomorrow. He is getting big. He has outgrown some of his up to 5lb clothes!

Monster birth story - with pictures!

So, I bet everyone was a little surprised to read Hedda and Cary’s posts about Nolan’s arrival. You probably came here to read me whining about my big 3 weeks on bedrest. Instead, you read that monster was here! Here’s what happened:

Sunday night I was starting to have contractions, again. I didn’t think much about it to begin with. I had been having contractions on and off for weeks. I decided just to relax for awhile and see what happened. About an hour later I told Cary it was time to start tracking the contractions. Resting wasn’t making them go away. I started writing down every contraction. There was no pattern. I would have 2 or 3 every 10 minutes, then one about 7 minutes later, then nothing for 30 minutes. I decided to go to bed and hope the contractions would go away with some sleep. They didn’t go away and they still didn’t have a pattern.

Monday morning I called my sister and asked her what I should do (although I knew what I should do). She said to call my doctor. I called my OB. They asked me to call my perinat because the OB doesn’t have an ultrasound tech on Mondays. I called my perinat. They called my OB. My OB called me back and said they wanted me to go the doctor’s office for observation.

I took a shower, got dressed, grabbed my bag just in case, and Cary took me to the doctor. They hooked me up to a monitor and saw that I was having contractions (duh!). My doctor checked me out. I had dilated more - to about 2 to 3 centimeters. The cerclage was starting to stretch. My OB sent me to the hospital to have the cerclage taken out and for monitoring.

We finally got to the hospital and checked in to a room at 2:30ish Monday afternoon. Around 3:45, the doctor came to see me. She said she was going to take the cerclage out and see what happened. Her goal was for me to make it until 37 weeks. I begged her to just go ahead and do a c-section. She said she couldn’t. She wanted to do everything to try to keep monster in until 37 weeks. I gave in and said Ok to getting the stitch out and seeing what happened. Then, she started to try to remove the stitch. (My perinat apparently did a really good job with the stitch - the Ob couldn’t get it out.) While my OB was getting ready to get my stitch out, my water broke. My doctor looked at me and said “You’re getting your wish. You’re having a c-section. Today. Now.” I was shocked and scared and excited and nervous and not ready!


After I first got to the hospital - before the pain got really bad!

After the doctor left, there was a constant flow of nurses in and out of the room getting me ready for surgery. They brought Cary scrubs to change in to. The contractions were starting to get very strong. And they now had a pattern – every 2 to 3 minutes. The pain was turning me evil. I was starting to grow horns. I wanted pain meds!!


Cary ready for the c-section. Just after this picture was taken, I had a contraction and squeezed Cary's hand until his fingers turned white.

They finished getting me ready for surgery, wheeled me into the OR, and finally drugged me. The doctor started by trying to get the cerclage out again. She still couldn’t get it out and monster was coming – and the stitch was ripping my cervix. She decided it was time to get monster out and worry about the stitch later.


In the OR - after they gave me the epidural. I wasn't feeling any pain.

At some point, Cary joined me in the OR. Just before they pulled monster out, they told Cary he could peek over the sheet to see the baby get pulled out. Cary peeked. I heard a couple of little squeaks and then a big cry. I looked at Cary. He had a huge smile on his face and tears in his eyes.


Nolan's first picture. The nurse holding Nolan is one of Caleb's ex-NICU nurses. She would stop by and talk to Caleb and me all the time.

Cary went to the other end of the OR to see our new son while they finished up with me. There was a nurse at me head telling me everything they where doing to the new baby. She kept saying “he looks great.” “He is very pink.” “His APGARs are 8 and 9.” (Caleb’s were 4 and 8.) She told me the NICU team was looking at him. (They automatically go to all pre-term deliveries and c-sections with complications, like a breech baby.) Then she told me the NICU team was done. He was healthy and didn’t need to go to the NICU. A few minutes later, Cary came back to my head with our baby in his arms. I asked him if he wanted to go with the name we had talked about. He said yes. (He later told me that while he was on the other end of the OR with the NICU, he had already told them his name was Nolan Cary – before talking to me. He was very glad that I agreed to the name.)


Nolan in Cary's arms for the first time.

After a few minutes, Cary had to give Nolan back to the nurses so they could take him to the nursery. Cary went to tell our families that Nolan was here and healthy and I went to recovery. After 1 hour, they moved me to my room. Soon after I got settled in, they brought Nolan to the room. Then, I was able to hold Nolan for the first time. A few hours later, we sent him to the nursery so we could sleep!


The first time I was able to hold Nolan.

Everything happened so fast. We got to the hospital at 2:30pm and Nolan was born at 5:59pm.

2 days later, Cary took Nolan and me home. It was great to finally get to take a baby home.



Going home.

I remember people telling me that having a baby after a loss is different. They were right. There is no other way to describe it. It is just different. So many things we have done with Nolan we didn’t get to do with Caleb. And there are many things we did we Caleb that we will never do with Nolan.

Nolan was 5 pounds and 18” long at birth. He is now close to 6 pounds and 19” long. His new nickname is piglet. He eats so much!


Other pictures:


Just before I got to the room, someone from the hospital came around with a snack tray. Cary wasn't sure what I would want, so the snack lady gave him one of everything! This is about 1/2 of the snacks.




My mom took these pictures of Nolan while he was in the nursery.



Getting ready for his hospital picture.


Even when he is being a monster he is still incredibly cute!


Go Falcons!